sleeves

Wow, I haven’t blogged in a good while I have been especially busy lately or at least that’s the excuse i’m going to stick with, ha ha. My son who is on kidney dialysis has been keeping my attention elsewhere and his medical caregivers have been giving me semi-fits. I always knew even when i was a teenager that I would probably have a special needs child and so I wasn’t too surprised when he was born lacking sufficient kidney function and nearly died.
However a woman several years back asked me one day how I was enjoying my kid despite all of his appointments and meds etc. etc..,and you know it got me to thinking about how sometimes when theese curveballs come at you in life you sometimes get lost in the details and miss the big picture and I still think about that even now.
so…I sometimes struggle with focusing on big pictures because I tend to be detail focus but I think I’m learning to be more big pic focus esp. since some of the medical profession tends to always be wanting to keep you there also, when they make appts. for you and make judgement calls on your childs behalf and do other things that make you seem like a number to be kept in line, they work against the process.
Well I could spend some times going off on how my childs docs have been over the years but that’s for another day until then I think I will go and focus on relaxing until that dreary. long drive to the hospital rears it’s ugly head tommorrow.

I am so proud to be an american!!! No hyphen is necessary though there are those who would say I’m an african american and don’t forget to include that.
Yes, I am proud to be of african descent also but the main thing is the main thing, I am an american and I am especially proud of that right now.
I recall throughout my childhood how proud I was of that also, before I was told as an adult that I had been refiled as an african-american (as if somehow I couldn’t claim to be all american for some reason). so when Michelle Obama said that she was proud to be an american for the first time a while back I related to that.
So I just want to say that I agree with a political commentator on CNN who after the Presidents speech, remarked that many African- americans probably feel a sense of inclusion now more than before.
I feel that a part of my identity has been restored and although in society’s eyes i’m classified as an African-american.
I have the right and privilege to call myself an american because of my birth in this great country with or without hyphenation.
And I shall continue to do so and be proud of it… God bless america!!

Well here I am again and although last post was rather bold for me I am glad I did it. I have struggled all my life with people pleasing and i’m growing weary of it, I’d always heard women say that when you turn 40 that you start to come into your own voice and sense of self, well I’m not seeing that for myself hopefully i’m just a late bloomer.my concern is that I won’t ever see that for myself.
I desperately want to embrace who I am as a woman and seek to care more about my own emotional needs etc. but i’ve been so well trained by my family of origin to downplay myself. I always make excuses for others sins and beat myself up for mine, reasoning that only smarter, prettier, talkier etc. etc. people can have flaws and still be accepted,you however can’t because you have to be perfect because of your imperfections.
That even sounds funny to me!!
So anyway, yeah i’m just frustrated with my quest for perfect performances and rave reviews following. So from now on I will be trying to just be myself as I get to know more about who that is.

UGGGH!!! Rant time begins now!
I work in an office in small town midwestern America. and I am so damn fed up with some of the quirky oddities of white people. I’m black and I am aware that my ethnic group has there own crap that pisses me off but i’m not talking about me or them i’m talking about YOU, if the shoe fits!
I’m noticing that a lot of our white customers first of all come in the place as if they own it, no humility whatsoever, and to boot they want to get free or near free. and they expect you to be ok with that. they seem to live under the philosophy “you scratch my back and i’ll scratch yours “,whereas mine is you pay full price for that or it stays in the store.
Another thing is… they are loud and noisy. I attribute this to the white cultures near worship of the quality of being outgoing. This same outgoingness is what caused one woman to come in and in the process of ordering her product, proceeded to talk somuch and loudly (mostly bragging about her kids and her education etc. etc.),that I wanted to scream LADY PLEASE SHUT UP I CAN BARELY HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS. What is with that ,and it’s not the first time i’ve seen this either and it’s not just the women. You don’t automatically have the floor when you enter a room and not everyone wants to our should be expected to hang on your every word, so try leaving some air in the room so the rest of us can breathe too and quiet the fuck down for a few minutes you might learn something new.
O.K I feel a little better now at least until the next full of themselves white person comes on the scence with their large W across their chest and gets in my space in an attempt to be outgoing.
I want to part with one word BOUNDARIES. They’re not just for minorities anymore.
Am I alone in my observations!? you are welcome to respond.
And by the way I realize this only applies to SOME white people others are doing o.k.

In my first blog I indicated that I had stuff I would be blogging about and working through,well some of that I will get into today. I was diagnosed about several years back with DID(or formerly known as multiple personality disorder),it’s not something that I have put a lot of stock into then or now, I knew I was somewhat messed up emotionally but I didn’t know they had a name for it, so,when they told me I was somewhat relieved but nonchalant. I just figured that was who I was, good bad or ortherwise. I today say I have parts, parts of myself that are different from what I call the real me but the parts are still me,confusing I know but that is the charm of having the disorder,and the term charm is used loosely because overall it is not that charming,on occasion it can be,but not so much. I do wonder what my self would be like without this disorder,even though I don’t let it define me, or use it to see myself as a victim, I do at times long to be “normal”, or what I see around me as normal. I feel most of the time like an alien, like others can see the parts and they judge me accordingly, according to whatever part they see, but here’s the catch they don’t know what part it is they see, and sometimes I don’t either, I just want to scream ,hey wait I have other parts of me that think, act, or do better than this, please don’t judge me so harshly!! I want to tell them to wait and get to know me better that i’m actually o.k! sigh…again I would just love to see what normal feels like.

I’ve attempted to write twice now but either had to stop abruptly because my viao is acting up or some other lame reason but anyhow i’m giving it another go.  I love love love the holiday of Christmas it is by far my fave holiday ever!! I’m  a kid at heart so the bright twinkling lights and sugared ornaments and bright colors really mesmerize me!! I like to sleep in the same room with my tree I feel as if i’m waiting for Santa or some wonderful surprise to arrive soon. I must admit I was watching the movie Elf with Will Ferrell is one of my favorite actors/commedians and I found myself feeling dissappointed that I now know that Santa isn’t real, it’s not that I don’t like being an adult or even reality, I just don’t want the majic(I like the j instead of the g) to end. The majic of expectancy which to me translates into one word..hope.  I feel we have more longing(s) during the holiday, we feel it’s ok to believe in something again and if we do we dont’ have to feel ashamed because we have been given permission somehow so we breathe a little and dance a little more sing a little longer and love a little harder because we have something that is good out there waiting on us and others so we feel we can make it one more day, week or at least 11 more months. Jesus for me takes the place of Santa and by no means do I playdown the sacrifice of our savior he is and was by far way more awesome than Santas myth or any being living or dead or even imagined. but the little child in me that used to stay up late and wait to hear reindeer can now realize that oneday I may look up and find my heavenly father coming on the clouds and if not in my lifetime and that were’nt enough to look forward to, everyday I have the promise of having a friend nearby who is on call 24/7, knows every hair on my head and who offers the same hope to everyone else and that to me is that sparkle and shine and beauty that cause me to marvel the other 364 days a year because I know hes’ not boring and life won’t stay that way all the time either and something interesting is around the corner.

I was thinking this morning about the strangest thing, arm pit hair,and why in this country it is such a big deal when, particularly, a female, has or shows hers in public or even in private. so I just feel like ranting about why it’s so taboo, and why women who choose to display it openly are judged so harshly. I myself don’t think there is anything wrong with it but I know others have their own opinion and their welcome to it but I think in a free country a female shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of her body for any reason, I recall a personal incidence when a woman came to call on a neighbor of ours who unknown to us at the time had committed suicide (we found out later), she stayed a  bit and chatted and  before she left asked for directions, in the process of giving the directions I lifted my underarm and I recall the look on her still today as I type this, a look of shock and horror as if she had seen a car wreck or something, at first I was confused and I was thinking to myself what is her deal why in the middle of a conversation she would gasp and behave that way but later after she left it finally dawned on me what the likely culprit was and then I was shocked that she would be shocked. I do believe in shaving and all that jazz, for sanitary issues and aesthetic as well, but I also think that in this country we really need to think outside the box on a few more issues, and this is one of them, I shave about 90% of the year, and I tend to take a break in the winter, mainly  because I choose too, I used to feel ashamed of this but iv’e made up my mind over the last few years that it is my mind to make up and my body and beside sometimes I think it’s a little sexy.

This morning as I lay in bed before I got my son up and got him ready for school I was listening to my Ipod and enjoying the early morning peace,and I drifted off to that commercial awhile back where various people were talking about what was playing in their Ipods,i’ve also seen in some celebrity interviews where the celeb is asked what their listening to on their Ipod,and it got me to thinking about what if in the future people were asked to leave their Ipods for evaluation for a job instead of your traditional resume,strange thought I know,but I think you would get to know a lot more about someone than you would with a resume,because I would think most of us know what to say on a resume and how to make ourselves look really good on paper,(that’s why they like to invite you in for a face to face interview because maybe they’ve figured this one out too by now),because I don’t think your Ipod lies about who you really are,and I think it tells alot about oneself. I know for me as I pondor the thought of being evaluated based on my musical choices I don’t know whether to laugh or be a little concerned,my musical choices in my opinion signal someone who is either musically multi-faceted or mad ,my tastes range from India Arie and Celine Dion to Kanye West and Korn and I just found out about this group from Finland today called Nightwish and i’m crazy about there sound and can’t wait to put some of there music on my Ipod too,but, I may just be overthinking ,I tend to be overimaginative sometimes,I don’t think most employers would want to suffer through the annoyance of first of all taking the time to listen to potential employees Ipods let alone determine whether or not to hire us  because of or despite them,wayyyy too much work I would think, so…we’ll just stick to the tried and true method(s) that seem to have worked out so far and I will keep imagining a more entertaining world,at least to me anyway.

I can’t believe that I am actually nervous about writing,huh, I wonder if this is natural the first time you blog.Well anyway away I go, I’ve always wanted to get back into journaling like I used to when I was a little girl but I would find myself making a new attempt and then I would just fall asleep or just plain forget, so i’m kinda glad to be back with my old friends,pen and paper,or I guess in theese days its fingers and keyboard. But in any case it occurs to me english was always my favorite subject in school and how much I really like words,one time  I was actually caught by one of my sons friends reading the dictionary,something I love to do and it’s not really to be pretentious or anything like that I just like words,and a nice sheet of writing paper,and a  lovely fountain pen and of course someone who can forgive and still love me after I mail them a letter instead of emailing them,hopefully it’s not a totally lost art,sigh…I call this blog sleeves because I tend at times to wear my heart there as they say and i’m also quite the introvert/nerd,and just want a place where I can work through my “stuff”,and thereby learn and grow as I do,and who knows I may even meet other people with their own ’stuff ‘who feel the same.