sleeves

I am so proud to be an american!!! No hyphen is necessary though there are those who would say I’m an african american and don’t forget to include that.
Yes, I am proud to be of african descent also but the main thing is the main thing, I am an american and I am especially proud of that right now.
I recall throughout my childhood how proud I was of that also, before I was told as an adult that I had been refiled as an african-american (as if somehow I couldn’t claim to be all american for some reason). so when Michelle Obama said that she was proud to be an american for the first time a while back I related to that.
So I just want to say that I agree with a political commentator on CNN who after the Presidents speech, remarked that many African- americans probably feel a sense of inclusion now more than before.
I feel that a part of my identity has been restored and although in society’s eyes i’m classified as an African-american.
I have the right and privilege to call myself an american because of my birth in this great country with or without hyphenation.
And I shall continue to do so and be proud of it… God bless america!!

Well here I am again and although last post was rather bold for me I am glad I did it. I have struggled all my life with people pleasing and i’m growing weary of it, I’d always heard women say that when you turn 40 that you start to come into your own voice and sense of self, well I’m not seeing that for myself hopefully i’m just a late bloomer.my concern is that I won’t ever see that for myself.
I desperately want to embrace who I am as a woman and seek to care more about my own emotional needs etc. but i’ve been so well trained by my family of origin to downplay myself. I always make excuses for others sins and beat myself up for mine, reasoning that only smarter, prettier, talkier etc. etc. people can have flaws and still be accepted,you however can’t because you have to be perfect because of your imperfections.
That even sounds funny to me!!
So anyway, yeah i’m just frustrated with my quest for perfect performances and rave reviews following. So from now on I will be trying to just be myself as I get to know more about who that is.

UGGGH!!! Rant time begins now!
I work in an office in small town midwestern America. and I am so damn fed up with some of the quirky oddities of white people. I’m black and I am aware that my ethnic group has there own crap that pisses me off but i’m not talking about me or them i’m talking about YOU, if the shoe fits!
I’m noticing that a lot of our white customers first of all come in the place as if they own it, no humility whatsoever, and to boot they want to get free or near free. and they expect you to be ok with that. they seem to live under the philosophy “you scratch my back and i’ll scratch yours “,whereas mine is you pay full price for that or it stays in the store.
Another thing is… they are loud and noisy. I attribute this to the white cultures near worship of the quality of being outgoing. This same outgoingness is what caused one woman to come in and in the process of ordering her product, proceeded to talk somuch and loudly (mostly bragging about her kids and her education etc. etc.),that I wanted to scream LADY PLEASE SHUT UP I CAN BARELY HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS. What is with that ,and it’s not the first time i’ve seen this either and it’s not just the women. You don’t automatically have the floor when you enter a room and not everyone wants to our should be expected to hang on your every word, so try leaving some air in the room so the rest of us can breathe too and quiet the fuck down for a few minutes you might learn something new.
O.K I feel a little better now at least until the next full of themselves white person comes on the scence with their large W across their chest and gets in my space in an attempt to be outgoing.
I want to part with one word BOUNDARIES. They’re not just for minorities anymore.
Am I alone in my observations!? you are welcome to respond.
And by the way I realize this only applies to SOME white people others are doing o.k.

In my first blog I indicated that I had stuff I would be blogging about and working through,well some of that I will get into today. I was diagnosed about several years back with DID(or formerly known as multiple personality disorder),it’s not something that I have put a lot of stock into then or now, I knew I was somewhat messed up emotionally but I didn’t know they had a name for it, so,when they told me I was somewhat relieved but nonchalant. I just figured that was who I was, good bad or ortherwise. I today say I have parts, parts of myself that are different from what I call the real me but the parts are still me,confusing I know but that is the charm of having the disorder,and the term charm is used loosely because overall it is not that charming,on occasion it can be,but not so much. I do wonder what my self would be like without this disorder,even though I don’t let it define me, or use it to see myself as a victim, I do at times long to be “normal”, or what I see around me as normal. I feel most of the time like an alien, like others can see the parts and they judge me accordingly, according to whatever part they see, but here’s the catch they don’t know what part it is they see, and sometimes I don’t either, I just want to scream ,hey wait I have other parts of me that think, act, or do better than this, please don’t judge me so harshly!! I want to tell them to wait and get to know me better that i’m actually o.k! sigh…again I would just love to see what normal feels like.